


dark state of mind.

by seekrest



Series: febuwhump 2020. [8]
Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe, Spider-Man (Tom Holland Movies)
Genre: (But he’s trying his best), College Student Peter Parker, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Hurt Peter Parker, Hurt/Comfort, Peter Parker Needs a Hug, Peter Parker is a Mess, Tony Stark Acting as Peter Parker's Parental Figure, Unhealthy Coping Mechanisms
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-02-08
Updated: 2020-02-08
Packaged: 2021-02-28 03:02:27
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,209
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22616836
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/seekrest/pseuds/seekrest
Summary: “You sure you won’t be able to make it up here, kid?”Peter frowns, looking around his cluttered dorm room for a folder he needed - coffee stained term papers scattered all over the desk, a few empty cans of Red Bulls that he needs to clean up and piles of both clean and dirty clothes all mixed together on the floor.Midterm season was awful, worse than finals Peter thinks - the stress that came from completing all the assignments that he had due not giving way to any kind of break that he normally would have at the end of the semester.
Relationships: Peter Parker & Tony Stark
Series: febuwhump 2020. [8]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1619581
Comments: 30
Kudos: 205
Collections: Irondad Fic Exchange 2019





	dark state of mind.

**Author's Note:**

  * For [fourdaysofrain](https://archiveofourown.org/users/fourdaysofrain/gifts).



> Hi Art!!! I’m your pinch hit for the IronDad fic exchange! Hope you enjoy this slice of Peter needing help - in a different way - and Tony being there for him :)
> 
> Prompt: Peter is homesick in college and gets a surprise visit from Tony.

“You sure you won’t be able to make it up here, kid?”

Peter frowns, looking around his cluttered dorm room for a folder he needed - coffee stained term papers scattered all over the desk, a few empty cans of Red Bulls that he needs to clean up and piles of both clean and dirty clothes all mixed together on the floor. 

Midterm season was awful, worse than finals Peter thinks - the stress that came from completing all the assignments that he had due not giving way to any kind of break that he normally would have at the end of the semester.

And what Peter wouldn’t give for it to be the _end_ of the semester rather than ramping up in the middle, seemingly every class he’s in looking to murder him in different ways.

Networks with Smith. Diffy Q with Horowitz. Organic 2 with Yang. 

Any one of them would have been enough to stress him out, not just because of the material but for the sheer amount of busy work involved - Peter thinking to himself that it was somehow worse to have that alongside any kind of exam. 

Even the required humanities course that he was in - Masterpieces of Western Art, a class he’d actually enjoyed - was bugging him, especially since anytime class came around, some idiot with stolen alien tech always found a way to fuck up Peter’s world.

College was exhausting - more stressful than high school had ever been, a part of Peter almost regretting that he’d stayed in the city rather than go to MIT where he could’ve entertained the idea of taking a break from Spider-Man.

It didn’t help matters any that MIT was where Ned and MJ were too, feeling a twinge of envy that they still saw each other so often - the pictures they’d send him and the video chats he’d have with the two of them making him feel something in the pit of his stomach that two of his favorite people in the world, his best friend and his girlfriend, were creating memories without him. 

He pushes that away, objectively happy that they got along so well - knowing he can’t be jealous of his friends or really regret the life that he had chosen - feeling even more guilt that he’d ever consider taking a break from Spider-Man in the first place. 

Peter sighed, his shoulders sagging as he shook his head, remembering that Tony couldn’t see it when he says into the phone, “No, I don’t think I can, Mr. Stark.”

“You sure, kid?” Tony parrots back, Peter hearing the skepticism in his voice as Peter forces himself to laugh - recognizing that if he didn’t convince Tony that everything was okay that it would only lead to yet _another_ worried phone call from May. 

“Yeah, I’m sure.” Peter says, keeping his voice as steady as he can. “Midterms are hell but that’s normal, Mr. Stark. Don’t you remember what it was like?”

Tony laughs at that, the tension in Peter’s stomach releasing slightly at the sound. “Kid, I was a teenager with something to prove when I was in college, spent half those years in an alcohol-induced haze. I’m surprised I remember _anything_ before 1985.”

Tony’s voice immediately changes, still joking but a question in it - making Peter genuinely laugh as he says, “Not that a friendly neighborhood Spider-Man would know about that right?”

“You know how fast my metabolism is, Tony.” Peter says as he grins, pacing his room back and forth. “You know that I broke the _record_ at Pi Kappa Alpha’s beer pong tournament?” 

Tony sighs, Peter hearing the humor in his voice when he says, “As long as you’re being safe, kid. Being legal means nothing if you don’t know your limits.” 

“Of course I am.” Peter says, “Haven’t even really felt a buzz to be honest.”

Tony’s quiet on the other end as Peter ends up putting a foot to the wall, simultaneously bored and anxious as he started to walk up it. 

It’s quiet for a beat too long, enough that by the time Peter makes it to the ceiling that he double checks to make sure the call hasn’t dropped, only for Tony’s voice ring out once more - something in his tone that Peter doesn’t quite recognize. 

“You been _trying_ to get drunk, Pete?”

“No.” Peter’s quick to affirm, wincing when he realizes how it must sound, quickly saying, “No, just having some fun. Promise.”

Tony gives a non-committal hum, Peter rushing forward to say, “I’m fine, Tony. Just trying to live like a ‘normal college student’ like you always tell me to.” He laughs. “You know May used to tell me stories about getting high in her dorm room. Really makes me wonder what kind of _example_ you two are setting for me.”

“Ha. Ha.” Tony says, Peter now firmly in the middle of his ceiling, glancing down to the floor and seeing the folder that he’d misplaced now from the different angle. “Alright kid, well if you change your mind about coming up, let me know.”

“I will. See you later, Tony.” Peter says into the phone, hearing the soft laughter on the other end as Tony tells him goodbye. 

Peter looks at the phone, the blood starting to rush to his head in a way that wasn’t yet uncomfortable before looking down - a sense in the back of his mind that Tony was going to take what he’d said the wrong way. 

It _had_ been fun, going to parties - even if Peter hadn’t really gone to any in the last few weeks. It felt as if all his time was spent doing Spider-Man things, rushing to class or falling asleep in the library - not even really finding the time to meet up and study with the few friends that he’d made since he started school. 

Looking around his single dorm room, the papers, books and half-clean, half-dirty piles of clothes all around perfectly encapsulating how he felt about his life currently - a mess of his own making. 

Peter hadn’t really made an effort with any of his friends at ESU lately, feeling less like a study buddy and more like a mooch to the point where he didn’t even ask for notes anymore - feeling slightly guilty even if everyone in the group chat he was in seemed open to help. 

The jealousy he felt about Ned and MJ was also something Peter recognized as being pointless, knowing that if he just talked to Ned and MJ about what he was thinking that he would actually feel better, especially since there wasn’t really anything either of them could do and there wasn’t anything that Peter _wanted_ them to do in the first place. 

He was glad they were getting closer and having fun, putting a hand to the ceiling as he lowered himself to the ground - softly landing on the messy dorm floor. 

Spider-Man wasn’t even something that Peter really wanted to give up, remembering the woman that he’d helped last night when a couple of guys got too mouthy, how thankful she’d been and how much she’d praised him for being around - helping her feel safe in a way that Peter never wanted anyone to be without.

Classes were… a lot. But even Peter in his heightened state of anxiety could sense that if he just _talked_ to his professors that they’d more likely to help him out.

A memory comes back to him then, of Ben telling as much he enjoyed his time in college all those times they used to take walks around ESU’s campus when he was younger - the simultaneous warmth and guilt in his chest now in thinking of him and of how excited Ben had been in describing a future for Peter that because of Peter’s mistake, Ben never got the chance to see. 

It was all the reminder he needed to push him back to why he’d become Spider-Man in the first place, swallowing his guilt as he plays with the phone in his hand for a second, before slipping back it in his pocket - reaching for the folder that held the two weeks old ochem homework he’d never turned in but hoped to still finish for some kind of passing grade. 

Peter could remember what it had been like when he first started college, nervous and excited but still looking forward to a brand new part of his life. 

But now, nearly three years in - junior year was hitting Peter _hard_ , the dread building in his gut at the realization that it wouldn’t get any easier for him to even try and balance everything. 

He sighs, playing with the edge of the folder for a beat before putting it under his arm - reaching for a hoodie and grabbing some things, hoping that he had at least a few hours to study in peace for someone else in the city decided to cause him hell. 

* * *

Peter should’ve expected that the universe would never be kind to him for long. 

He managed to get at least two hours of studying and six cups of coffee in him before he felt it, the familiar itch in the back of his neck that told him something was wrong. 

Peter immediately glanced up from the table he was at and looked out towards the window - watching in confusion and then mild resignation when the car rushed past him, shots ringing out and the blare of the sirens passing by. 

The people in the coffee shop barely paid attention to it, Peter shoving his stuff in his backpack as he gulped down the remainder of his cold coffee, feeling a little jittery only to remember he hadn’t really eaten anything aside from a granola bar earlier this morning, waking up at the crack of dawn for an ill-fated attempt at finishing a lab report. 

Peter pushes that away too, grabbing the strap of his backpack and slinging it over his shoulder as he races out of the coffee shop, searching for an alleyway that he could do a quick change in as he sighs. 

_So much for a peaceful Saturday._

* * *

Peter winces as he stumbles back into his dorm room, softly closing the window behind him as he does. 

It was probably a bad idea to swing in rather than do a quick change in an alley, especially when he couldn’t afford to call for too much attention to himself - distantly thinking that he should’ve listened to Tony about getting his own place for this reason alone. 

The pain he’s feeling all along his side and the back of his head push all of that away for now, limping as he stumbles towards his bed - slamming a hand to his chest and letting the suit fall to the floor, nearly tripping as he walks forward - his head pounding as he does. 

“Fuck.” Peter whispers to no one, the whole world spinning slightly - groaning as his hand makes contact to the bed, the change in gravity bringing him to his knees. 

He should’ve guessed that even normal car thefts weren’t ever going to be _normal_ anymore, the place from where the guys had shot at him aching as he hisses, the one hand grappling for the bed barely stabling himself as he leans against it, bringing another hand to his side as he tries to sit, leaning backwards so that his back pushed against his bed. 

Peter pants, suddenly feeling tired as he stares up at the ceiling - the edges of his vision darkening as he tries to think what kind of blasters the guys could’ve had to cause him to still be so disoriented, why years and years after he’d sent Toomes to jail that the tech he stole still somehow found its way into criminals hands. 

A distant part of Peter recognizes that he shouldn’t fall asleep, should maybe call for help considering how dizzy he feels - the blast that had hit his side being painful enough before it had slammed him into a building, Peter blacking out for a second before he’d pushed himself to go after them. 

He knew what a concussion felt like, the pain from his side telling him that this wasn’t just an ordinary injury for how sharp it was - especially with the hand pressed against him feeling wet in a way that he knows is bad.

But Peter couldn’t reach for his phone from where he was, blinking up at the ceiling until he finds he can’t - the darkness enveloping him as he closes his eyes. 

* * *

_Kid come on, time to wake up._

Peter hears something but it sounds fuzzy, distant - wanting to go back to the feeling of nothingness that he’d felt before. 

_Come on Pete, look at me. FRIDAY, what happened to him?_

Peter feels himself getting pulled up and off the ground, he thinks at least - his sense of gravity being twisted as his body shifts.

_Peter, open your eyes. Come on, kid. Come on._

It reminds him inexplicably of what it felt like when he’d gotten bit, the frantic words from Ben as his fever had spiked that night - the cold hands on his face feeling oddly familiar as he groaned.

_That’s it, that’s it, Pete. Come on, wake up. Just need you to open your eyes, let me know you’re still in there._

Peter wants to and doesn’t, his head lolling to the side before a set of hands he knows holds him place, pushing his hair back.

“Ben?” Peter whispers, vaguely feeling the hand in his hair freeze in place before it swears, Peter feeling himself start to drift again.

_FRIDAY, is he safe to move? I need— is something going on with his—_

“Ben, I’m tired.” Peter thinks he says, he’s not sure - the pull back to the darkness stronger than before. 

His head feels like lead, his whole body aching as the world around him starts to fade away.

The voice in the background says something but Peter doesn’t catch it - feeling safe in a way he hasn’t in a long time before he drifts back to nothingness. 

* * *

When Peter finally comes to, he’s aware of two things.

The first is that he’s not in his bed, the cotton of the sheets underneath him and the pillow behind his head immediately feeling much nicer than what his dorm in a bag comforter set felt like.

The second is how much his head hurts, a dull, throbbing ache as he winces - eyes still closed as he groans. 

“Wondered when you’d be awake.”

Peter’s eyes flutter, blinking a few times as he tries to focus his attention to where the voice had come from - eyes landing on Tony, sitting in the chair beside him looking disheveled in a way that surprised Peter. 

He stared at him for a beat before realizing how nonsensical it was for him to be here, clearing his throat before saying, “Tony?”

“In the flesh. Can’t say the same for you there, for awhile anyway.” Tony’s voice is tense, Peter suddenly feeling like he was in trouble even if his mind can’t make sense of why he feels that way.

“What are you— why are you here?”

Tony does a double-take, incredulous only for Peter to rush forward and say, “I mean, in the city. You’re— what are you doing here?”

Tony seems to wrestle with himself for a bit before saying, “Well I was gonna surprise you, kid. Talked my way past your dorm’s front desk, security’s terrible there. I saw one kid eating a dry pack of ramen while the other just waved me off.”

Peter wants to laugh but doesn’t, settling for a pained grimace as Tony continues.

“Only to find _you_ , passed out in your dorm room, bleeding from God knows where.” Tony’s voice is strained, an exhausted sigh as he shakes his head. “Took some doing to get you out of there without anyone knowing.”

Tony sighs. “We gotta figure out something for you, Pete. You can’t just do that. You need some kind of,” Tony waves a hand around, “spider-signal or something when you’re hurt. 

Tony laughs, though there’s no humor in it before saying, “Not that you’d ever use it.”

“I’m fine, honest—“

“Don’t tell me you’re fine, Pete.” Tony’s voice is sharp — enough that Peter stops in his tracks, seeing something in Tony’s eyes that he recognizes.

“You were looking half-dead when I saw you. FRI said you were dehydrated, you bled all over the floor and weren’t healing cause of some kind of nutrition deficiency and,” Tony sighs, running a hand through his hair. “That’s not even counting all the energy drinks, I saw. The coffee cups and--”

“ _You’re_ gonna lecture me on caffeine? Really?” Peter would feel indignant if his head wasn’t still pounding, the pain from the hit but also from dizziness when he remembered the fact that he still hadn’t eaten anything. 

“It’s not just that.” Tony says, his voice so low that Peter looks back to him - seeing the concern in his eyes before saying, “You know I think it’s good for you to try your hand at being a normal kid, Pete but the drinking--” 

“I’m not—“ Peter sighs, “I’m not _drinking_ , Tony. It’s just a few parties, earlier in the semester. I don’t, I don’t even go to them anymore.”

Tony studied him for a bit before his face changes, tilting his head before saying, “Why not?”

Peter’s confuses, blinking back at him before making a face, putting a hand up as he says, “I don’t know? Making better life choices? What’s going on?”

Tony seems to consider his words carefully, mulling over something in his mind. 

“You know, I don’t really remember much from college.”

Peter sighs again, expecting some kind of lecture on substance abuse and being careful only for Tony to ask, “But you know what I do remember?”

“What?”

“Feeling alone. Feeling too much.” Peter meets his eyes, Tony’s gaze firmly on him as he says, “I had Rhodey but he was two years ahead of me. Half the reason I graduated so quickly was so that I could play catch up with him.”

Peter stays silent, feeling like there’s more to the story when Tony continues. 

“But it didn’t stop, even after that.”

“What?” Peter asks, swallowing down something he doesn’t want to name.

“The loneliness. Feeling everything and nothing all at once, numbing it however I could.” Tony replies, Peter’s eyes shifting away and towards the room they were in - guessing it was some kind part of the SI building from the looks of it.

“You can try and fill that void but it’s not something you’re gonna be able to run from, Pete. Not by running yourself ragged, trying to solve everyone else’s problems, especially if you aren’t taking care of yourself.”

“I—“ Peter begins, his eyes shifting back to Tony’s, “I’m fine, Tony. Really. I just— I had a rough day, I didn’t realize how bad I’d gotten hurt. I would’ve… I would’ve called…” Peter trails off, the lie feeling heavy on his tongue with Tony’s steady gaze on him.

The silence between them feels so loud, suffocating until Peter says, “It’s just a lot, sometimes.

“What is?” Tony asks, his voice low and even as Peter shakes his head.

“School. The city. Everything.” Peter lets out a sharp laugh. “I’m a junior and I still-- I don’t know what the hell I’m supposed to be doing.”

Tony doesn’t say anything, Peter feeling like a dam had burst within him now that he’s started. 

“I can’t keep up with my classes. Not the homework or any of the lectures because some fucking robot always decides to lose their shit in Greenwich anytime I have an exam. I’m tired, I’m so _tired_ but I can’t sleep because I’ve drank so many cups of coffee and Red Bulls that it feels like my skin’s on fire and even if I do, I always think I’ll wake my neighbors with a nightmare or something.”

Peter runs a hand through his hair. “And then I’m so hungry that I _don’t_ feel hungry anymore which is just so fucking messed up that I-- I can’t even make it to the dining hall in time because my hours are all messed up. And it’s so hard— all of it, just balancing everything and then I see Ned and MJ and they’re just… they’re happy.” 

He pauses, swallowing down the lump in his throat as he says, “And I miss them and it sucks cause I could’ve _been_ there you know? I had a full ride to MIT and I— I turned it down to go to ESU because of Ben and Spider-Man and I don’t,” the shame rushed through Peter, shaking his head, “I don’t regret it. I love it here. Sometimes.”

Peter sighs, suddenly feeling exhausted as his eyes meet Tony’s. 

“It’s just a lot. I don’t know if I can keep up.”

Tony’s eyes search all over his face, his next words surprising Peter. 

“You can’t.”

Peter turns his head so fast it hurts, wincing as he brings a hand to his temple. “What?”

“You can’t, Pete. You can’t keep up.” Tony says, Peter just feeling more confused. 

“If this is supposed to be a pep talk, you’re doing a terrible job.”

Tony laughs, Peter smiling despite himself as Tony shakes his head.

“That’s not what I’m saying, Pete. It’s that you’re trying to keep up… keep up with what? With who? Everyone else here? Your friends?”

Peter’s silent for a beat as he takes in Tony’s words before quietly saying, “With life.” 

Peter sighs again. “It’s all just so much sometimes, you know?”

“I know, kid.” Tony says like he understands, Peter recognizing that if anyone did - Tony would, his not so forced retirement off into the middle of nowhere after the world had been made right again coming back to his mind. 

But Tony must know just as well as Peter does that even for as stressed and as aggravating as everything felt in the moment that Peter wouldn’t give any of it up - wouldn’t want to transfer out of ESU or give up Spider-Man.

It was just time management, something he had to figure out - even if the idea of his life being _just_ anything was laughable. 

Tony continues saying, “But you know, you’re not in this alone. You got your aunt, your friends, your girlfriend, me.” 

Peter bites the inside of his cheek at that, wringing his hands together as Tony says, “You’re not alone, Pete.”

“I know.” Peter’s quick to say.

“ _Do_ you?” Tony asks, Peter seeing the concern in his eyes - swallowing down the nascent guilt of Tony walking into his dorm room and seeing him passed out like he has as he nods his head, wincing slightly as he does.

“I do.” 

Tony looks like he doesn’t believe him but doesn’t press it, putting a hand to his arm before affirming, “You got a lot of people in your corner, Pete.”

Peter smiles, feeling the love in Tony’s words as he says, “We’re here for you.”

Peter lets Tony’s sink in, releasing some of the tension in his shoulders before Tony sits up, going to stand as he says, “Now come on, let’s get Cho or whoever else is here to check you out. Make sure everything’s working right before your aunt gets here.”

“You called _May_?” Peter asks, feeling more like the teenager he’d been when Tony had first met him rather than the almost twenty-two year old he was.

Tony laughs, putting a hand up. “Not to _tell_ on you, kid. The plan was to originally for her and I to surprise you for dinner.” 

Tony gestures vaguely towards Peter. “Might have to order in now but I don’t think she’ll mind.”

Peter gives him a sheepish smile. “Nah, you know she likes take-out more than me.”

Tony smirks back at him, Peter fully realizing now how much he’d missed this - the sense of protection and of being looked out for that he’d taken for granted when he was younger.

Peter knew he would have to go back to his messy dorm and his stressed life after the night was over, wondering if he really did catch the thieves or had just imagined it - another thing on his never-ending list of things he had to look out for. 

But it was nice, if only for the night - to pretend like he was sixteen again, eating dinner out of to-go boxes with Tony and May - when life had felt simple even when it wasn’t. 

Even when Tony says something smart in reply before heading out of the room, Peter lets himself rest for a second - reminding himself of the truth.

He didn’t regret his life now or any of his choices, even when it was hard. 

And while his life wasn’t anything like it had been when he was sixteen, Peter let himself believe for the first time in awhile that it would be okay.

That even if it wasn’t okay now, that someday it would be.

Cause Peter _wasn’t_ alone - and as long as his family had their way, he would never be. 

**Author's Note:**

> Kudos and comments are always appreciated.
> 
> [ Come hang out with me on tumblr. ](https://seek-rest.tumblr.com)


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